Don’t take it personal, it seems laughable just to type it on this screen because I distinctly remember I took everything personal. By the way you may have noticed (which I’m sure you have.. you’re pretty sharp ole’ pal!) there are no easy topics. As Jim Rohn would say though “Don’t wish for easier problems in life wish for greater skills in life” and that is precisely what you are doing by joining forces with us here at Man vs Marriage.
Knowing that I have already warned you that I am the recap Jedi, how about another re-cap! We want to make certain that you know we aren’t disparaging those people who have had the horrific experience of being a true victim of assault, robbery, or the traumatic experience of a crime committed against you. The victim mentality we are referring to is certainly not that, we are addressing the habitual mindsets that develop when things in life hasn’t gone our way and we act out against others because it. It’s false perception that when bad things happen life is singling you out, there are 7 billion people on the planet and life singled you out, while it may feel that way it reminds me of what Less Brown says regarding this: Paraphrasing here; I am sorry something hard has happened in your life, we all know life its fair, if your question is why me who would you wish this on instead. It is when we think everyone is against us, or tough things happen and us being disappointed and not seeing that disappointment for what it truly is, it is life and it happens to us all, with a poor me mentality we aren’t dealing with it and moving forward, learning through it and not allowing it to hold you back.
Now as we set off in this adventure of not taking things personal I want to let you know this can really feel like a moving target. There are areas in my life where I feel like I have mastered this virtue.
For example when my wife shares her feelings I can accept these as her perception and like her I have mine as well. It’s not my job to tell her how she feels, it’s a must that I create a soft place for her to land and not retaliate or try and punish her for telling me how she feels. I must be a soft place to land, a safe place.
Some areas though I have yet to master, in part because still have feelings to work through and other parts being physically taxing. Take for instance our weekends, that’s our time to really be together because of my work schedule and Kirsten’s degree of autism and how very little she sleeps as a result Jeanne (my wife) cant sleep. It is not uncommon at all for Kirsten to sleep 10 hours total in a 5 day period, now, I take the weekend shift so Jeanne can rest, the week has been so tough on her that she now has a migraine and goes down. Now because we have 8 kids quality time alone can be a farce, 3 of our 8 children have special needs (they demand additional attention) so the weekend is our time to spend time together and regroup and heck just remember we are married!
I notice that even though I know how bad she needs the time to recoup I end up getting butt hurt over her not being with me. That is one a few places I still take it personal, I work really hard to manage my disappointment in this area I must remember this is nothing Jeanne is doing to me to punish me she is merely trying to become a human being again so she can face the next week (Every action is not about me, I know can you believe it???). I look forward to growing past this issue in my life, I’m just not there. The sad facts is I usually kick my own tail for getting upset. I can’t stand being petty and upset so when I get upset with her I get upset with myself for getting upset with her , especially when it’s not warranted (I sure hope you were able to follow that I’m not even certain I made sense ). Allow your wife the opportunity to share how she feels and don’t make it about you, no trying to defend yourself, explain yourself no nada enchilada unless she asks. Refrain from telling her how she feels or should feel because she took what you said the wrong way just let her share how she feels. Trust me you will learn a lot the better you learn how to listen (life really likes you a lot! We have an episode on becoming a better listener coming your way my man!) The other part of this equation is you must give her room to grow, you too should begin to share your heart with her and she will have her own experience learning how not to take your feelings personal. It truly is an amazing place to be in your relationship when you and your spouse can share very bluntly how you feel and feel safe doing so. Make sure you have lots of room for epic fail, you will most likely need it. Being that women tend to be the more emotional creatures, it will certainly strengthen your relationship when you allow her to open up and you accept her and protect her feelings.