I Used To Be You – How I Stopped Waiting For My Wife To Change

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If you're listening right now and you feel

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like you're stuck in your marriage,

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like life just keeps hitting you with one

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storm after another, and you're wondering,

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how did we even get here?

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How did I get here?

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Here's what I want you to know.

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I used to be you.

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Ten years into our marriage,

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I was over three hundred and eighty

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pounds.

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And Jeannie and I,

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we were legitimately in full survival

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mode.

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Our first ten years was full of storms.

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There was chaos.

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We were just trying to survive the day.

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Trust me here.

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I'm not overstating it.

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It wasn't all misery, for sure.

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I can say that.

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We had traditions.

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We had birthdays.

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We had Christmas.

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But here's what I can tell you.

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Our communication was fractured badly.

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I was chasing purpose because I wanted to

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matter.

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Yet in every area of my life,

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I felt like I wasn't good enough.

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Here's what's really sad is Jeannie was

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battling depression,

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and she was battling it on her own.

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She had a lot of guilt over the

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health of our kids, and man,

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it broke my heart to hear that.

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She was full of fear,

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and the fear was like this.

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She was afraid we wouldn't have enough

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money, we wouldn't have enough food.

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And I later came to find out that

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she had a significant amount of fear that

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I was going to leave her.

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That thought had never crossed my mind.

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My actions were reacting to the fear that

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she was showing me while in reality,

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she was sending a totally different

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message.

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I myself was bound by resentment and I

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was becoming bitter towards my wife

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because of our lack of connection.

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And also feeling like I was stuck in

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my career.

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I was blaming her for that.

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But here's the challenge for you.

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It didn't stay that way.

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And it doesn't have to stay that way

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for you either.

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Today,

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I'm going to show you how it started

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with me.

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It's going to be simple and practical.

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I want you to know how it starts

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with you.

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And I want you to know,

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I used to be you.

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This is how I stopped waiting for my

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wife to change,

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and I took those actions on my own.

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I'll be right back after this.

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Welcome back to another episode of Man Vs.

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Marriage.

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It is I, your humble servant,

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Quincy Moran, a.k.a.

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The Q-Dog.

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I'm in the Moran Family Studio,

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and I'm here to talk to you guys

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today about how I used to be you.

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And Ed Milet says it so well.

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He says, you are most equipped...

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to help the man that you used to

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be.

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And that's why I'm reaching out to you.

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Now, don't be a stickler and say, well,

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every single detail of your life is not

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like mine, Quincy.

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And I'll say, yeah, I know.

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I know.

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But I can tell you,

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I'm sure some of the feelings that you

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have,

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some of the places that you find yourself

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in,

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although the details are not exactly the

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same,

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there are going to be echoes in that.

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and number two i just want to thank

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you guys for having grace for me the

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the show has taken on sort of a

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new format and i'm writing these

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monologues and reading them like reading

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my thoughts and reading what's on my heart

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to you and i'm i'm working on doing

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a better job and so that is growth

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within me and i'm i'm very big on

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challenging yourself to get better so i i

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really love

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writing these monologues putting them

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together because it's me on paper and so

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um with that i want to talk to

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you a little bit more just a little

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bit more in depth about who i used

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to be it's so true that you know

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at ten years into our marriage i was

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between three fifty and three eighty the

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timeline is sort of shaky i just know

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when i got on up there um into

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our relationship maybe it was year ten or

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eleven uh when i finally had the courage

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to get on the scale

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I was about three hundred and eighty two

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pounds.

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And I had been bigger than that,

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I believe, in my past.

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I was just too concerned to get on

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the scale.

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And as a matter of fact,

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one time I got on the scale and

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I had to get on the scale at

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one of the grocery stores that goes up

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to like four, I don't know, four hundred,

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four and fifty pounds.

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And so I had the harsh reality of

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that

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If I was going to change,

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if I wanted to be a better man,

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then I needed to manage myself.

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I needed to manage my health.

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But that came later.

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What does it mean to be in survival

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mode?

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What does that feel like?

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We talk about it often here because that

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is something that sticks with me and was

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really a difficult time in mine and

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Jeannie's relationship.

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I'll give you just a brief history if

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you're new to the program.

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If you're not, you know the story well.

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So Jeannie and I got married and we

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were both told that we couldn't have kids.

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And after they called to tell me that

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I was not going to be able to

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have kids, that I would be the reason,

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they called me back a half an hour

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later and said, oh, I'm sorry,

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we read the wrong test.

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It was truly a sense of feeling broken.

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And then after getting the call,

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feeling excitement.

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But then in retrospect, looking back,

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there was another man out there that maybe

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got the opposite of that call and that's

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just a side note that's that has really

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stuck with me my entire life and um

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that was it was very challenging to think

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about that but we went from being told

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that we couldn't have kids uh to having

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a boy and then having seven girls

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consecutively that includes triplets and

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twins

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So really early in our marriage,

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we had one child.

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And the next thing you know,

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after having triplets,

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here we are having four kids.

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Basically four kids under three years old.

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And it got to the point we had

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five under five.

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And then ultimately we ended up with eight

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kids.

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Now that in itself could be challenging

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enough.

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But where did the rest of this come

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in?

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Well,

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we found out as our twins were being

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born that some of our triplets and let's

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say that some of our kids had been

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sexually abused by babysitters.

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It was devastating news.

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I actually had to sit across from those

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two people and make a decision if I

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wanted to take revenge on behalf of my

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children or if I wanted to

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stay and raise them.

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And I opted, obviously,

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to stay and raise them.

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But it sent shockwaves through our family.

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It was very, very difficult.

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We also got three diagnoses for autism

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within those ten years.

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And it helped us to understand why some

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of our children were different from the

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others and how some of them presented

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themselves to be more of a challenge that

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caused us sleepless nights that

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We would have to chase down.

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They weren't just more strong-willed,

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but they were actually wired different.

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We were in financial duress.

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We were losing our home.

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At one point,

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we were eating out of a food bank

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from a church because we simply didn't

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have the finances to survive.

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It was a very,

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very trying time in our life.

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And then came the medical emergencies.

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And that's part of what I talked about

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in the opening monologues is that

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With the triplets,

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Jeannie was in the hospital for six weeks.

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She had to take some medication in order

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not to deliver them any sooner.

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And when they came out,

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they were around twenty seven weeks.

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They were both I mean,

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they were all three of them were so

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small, two pounds or less,

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just very small, fragile human beings.

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And I didn't know this,

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but Jeannie for years had been blaming

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herself for their health condition,

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for their health issues.

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Maybe even for the autism,

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it was really sad.

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It happened again with the twins.

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One of them needed to have – well,

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when all of the multiples were born,

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they were put on life support immediately.

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They went to the NICU,

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if you know what that is.

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Well,

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another challenge with being born early –

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is called hydrocephalus.

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And I will spare you the details,

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but that is when there is blood in

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the brain.

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And that mixes with that fluid,

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the fluid gets too thick,

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and then it can't absorb,

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it creates pressure in the brain,

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and that presents its own series of

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challenges.

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We had one daughter that through the first

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ten to twelve years of her life,

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the timeline is sort of fuzzy,

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she had approximately twenty different

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surgeries

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with shunts related to her brain,

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seizures,

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and things that you just cannot prepare

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for as a parent.

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Now, if just one of these things happened,

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I would completely understand how it could

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change the fabric of a family.

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But with multiple layers of challenges

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happening,

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Jeannie and I were drifting apart because

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all we could do was survive the day.

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It was so difficult.

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It got to the point, and look,

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I'm not here for a pity party.

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I'm just trying to lay out the course

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of what I'm talking about and what drove

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us into roommate mode,

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what drove us into survival mode.

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I'll wrap up here quickly,

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and then we'll get right into this.

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Practical eval on how I can help you

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because I used to be you.

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was a time where uh our daughter our

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oldest daughter just would not sleep um

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and so one of us had to sit

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in her doorway until she went to sleep

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and that would be hours on end of

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hearing yelling and screaming from an

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autistic child that we just did not know

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how to help the doctors were prescribing

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medication the medication was having

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adverse reactions we were getting

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physically

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attacked by our daughter,

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and it was a significant blow on us

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as parents,

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but it also had a great toll on

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our relationship.

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Gina would take Monday through Thursday.

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I would take Friday through Saturday,

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and we were walking zombies.

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It was so difficult sometimes just to get

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her out of the car.

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You could walk away bleeding,

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and I'm not exaggerating.

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So at ten years, needless to say,

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this life, this family,

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and this relationship is not what we had

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imagined it would be.

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But here's the thing.

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At that point,

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and you may find yourself at this point,

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where things are not where you thought

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they were.

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It doesn't look the way you thought it

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was going to look.

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And the hard thing is you get

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disappointed.

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And disappointment can really,

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over the course of time,

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it can really start to damage your hope.

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It can put you in a place where

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you begin to get hopeless.

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And so if that starts to happen and

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people say, man,

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you're angry all the time.

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Well,

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you might just be reacting from a place

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of disappointment,

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and it may present itself like anger.

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But we don't know how to reconcile

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disappointment.

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I don't know about you,

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but I was never taught how to manage

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disappointment in my life and how to work

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through that.

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and move forward.

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And so many of us are stuck in

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our past.

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Here's what I knew at one particular

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point.

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It wasn't about waiting on my wife to

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change.

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It had to start with me.

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And here is something that was such an

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aha moment.

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At one point in my life,

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I had to decide to live up to

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the man I made a vow to be.

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so that I could make a difference in

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my relationship.

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I want you to take just a moment

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to think about where you are,

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how you found this podcast,

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and then search your heart for those vows

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that you made to your wife and ask

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yourself, am I that man?

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Am I living to that standard?

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It's a hard but a valuable question.

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That

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affected me so deeply and through the

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course of a few different programs that we

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went through i decided that i wanted to

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live with intention and it's what i called

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living on purpose and then i expanded that

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because of my faith in jesus christ i

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knew that he creates us for a purpose

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whatever that calling might be and so i

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said you know what i'm going to live

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on purpose

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for a purpose.

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And that is about intentionally growing

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and living your life on behalf of the

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calling that God has for you.

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Here's one thing that I came to learn

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as well.

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I came to understand that awareness is

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actually a weapon.

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Now, you can use weapons for good.

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You can use weapons for bad.

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But that weapon in the hand of a

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warrior can protect, it can save,

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and it can conquer if the warrior is

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willing to learn mastery.

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What is the mastery you must learn?

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It's within.

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It's within.

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So if you're new to my program,

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our program,

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I'm really big on the KISS principle.

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I talk about it in my professional life.

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I talk about it in my personal life.

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And it's called keeping it super simple.

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You might know another terminology.

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You might have another phrase called keep

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it simple stupid.

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And I probably say that to myself

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sometimes.

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So I want to give you two or

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three practical things if you can relate

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to any of those feelings.

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Do you feel distant in your relationship?

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Do you feel stuck where you are?

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Are you disappointed with where you are in

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life?

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Maybe you're a great professional,

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but you are not great at relationships.

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And if that's the case,

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then your priorities are off because you

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can actually be great at both of them.

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The question is,

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how good do you want to be?

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And what is your lasting legacy that you

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want to create?

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your dying day do you want to say

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man he was a great professional or do

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you want those people that are in your

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life that you care about to carry that

:: 17:17

legacy on because you made a positive

:: 17:19

impact in their life what matters to you

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what is fulfilling for you what is the

:: 17:27

purpose that you were created for so here

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are two or three practical things that you

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can do in order

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to get yourself on a new path.

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Number one is going to be a two-parter,

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but I'm going to start out with this.

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Get yourself a journal and a pen where

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you can write some stuff down.

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I know the big deal is here,

:: 17:54

and I have my telephone right here if

:: 17:56

you're watching the program.

:: 17:57

There it is, Man vs.

:: 17:58

Marriage on the back of the phone.

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I know we use these things all the

:: 18:01

time,

:: 18:03

but I'm asking you to do something

:: 18:04

different.

:: 18:07

I'm asking you to start writing.

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Take action by writing on a piece of

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paper.

:: 18:14

Writing in a notebook.

:: 18:17

Writing in a journal.

:: 18:19

Do this.

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I'm asking you.

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And here's the meat of number one.

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I want you to check out the series

:: 18:27

that we've done called Where Do I Start?

:: 18:30

To me, it's an eye-opening,

:: 18:33

practical approach.

:: 18:34

It's laid out very methodically.

:: 18:38

And what it helps you do is it

:: 18:40

helps you accelerate what you are about to

:: 18:45

do.

:: 18:45

It helps you accelerate your knowledge for

:: 18:49

the journey you are beginning.

:: 18:51

Because I really put my heart and soul

:: 18:56

into this.

:: 18:58

This version,

:: 18:59

it's the latest version that we've done.

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And there are three hundred plus episodes

:: 19:05

of this podcast.

:: 19:06

The majority of them are Jeannie and I

:: 19:08

together talking about every topic that

:: 19:10

comes along with marriage.

:: 19:13

Most recently,

:: 19:14

these ten episodes called Where Do I

:: 19:16

Start?

:: 19:18

They're solo episodes.

:: 19:19

It's you and it's me and it's you

:: 19:22

and me.

:: 19:24

Getting into the weeds.

:: 19:27

very practically,

:: 19:28

I guess those two don't go together,

:: 19:29

but it's you and me getting into how

:: 19:33

do I redefine my path?

:: 19:37

So it took me sixteen years to put

:: 19:41

this together.

:: 19:44

And you are going to get sixteen years

:: 19:48

worth of work in those ten episodes where

:: 19:51

you can take this and you can begin

:: 19:53

to redefine your path in this life.

:: 19:57

Sixteen years.

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And, hey, listen,

:: 20:01

those entire sixteen years,

:: 20:03

it was not all pretty.

:: 20:06

It was very, very difficult.

:: 20:08

But I am very thankful for the

:: 20:11

difficulties that we had and that we

:: 20:14

worked through and that we walked through

:: 20:16

together.

:: 20:18

Many of you know I'm an Alabama fan.

:: 20:20

Roll Tide, baby.

:: 20:21

Come on.

:: 20:23

Now, the GOAT, Nick Saban.

:: 20:26

Let me tell you what he talks about.

:: 20:28

He says,

:: 20:29

good people learn from their mistakes.

:: 20:32

Great people learn from other people's

:: 20:35

mistakes.

:: 20:37

So tell me,

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which one do you want to be?

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And I learn from people's mistakes as well

:: 20:45

because I want to be great.

:: 20:47

Okay, number two, here's the second thing.

:: 20:51

I want you to embrace the facts.

:: 20:53

Number one,

:: 20:54

it's not your wife's fault that you're

:: 20:55

here.

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I want you to embrace this message.

:: 20:59

From here on,

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here's what I'm asking you to do.

:: 21:03

I hope that you write this in your

:: 21:04

journal.

:: 21:05

Focus on what you can affect.

:: 21:10

I'm not saying your wife didn't play a

:: 21:11

part in why you're here,

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but it takes two to tango, brother.

:: 21:15

It takes two.

:: 21:16

Okay?

:: 21:17

We sort of addressed that earlier in this

:: 21:19

program where I asked you to review,

:: 21:22

dig deep.

:: 21:23

Are you the man you vowed you would

:: 21:25

be?

:: 21:25

Are you that man?

:: 21:28

So here's what you can affect.

:: 21:33

Some people say control what you can

:: 21:34

control.

:: 21:35

I say focus on what you can affect.

:: 21:37

What is that?

:: 21:38

It's your attitude.

:: 21:40

It is your actions.

:: 21:42

It is your effort.

:: 21:44

And it is your intention.

:: 21:47

That's the second thing I'm asking you to

:: 21:48

do.

:: 21:48

Very practical.

:: 21:51

It's not always easy,

:: 21:53

but it is very practical.

:: 21:55

And the more you do it,

:: 21:56

what are we doing?

:: 21:57

We're getting into mastery, okay?

:: 22:00

This is going to be,

:: 22:02

it gets deeper in the episodes that I

:: 22:03

gave you.

:: 22:04

So I'm asking you, go back, listen.

:: 22:07

Number three,

:: 22:09

although I'm giving you sixteen years

:: 22:13

worth of work in ten episodes that is

:: 22:16

probably two to three hours,

:: 22:17

maybe four hours maximum,

:: 22:20

I want you to embrace and prepare for

:: 22:25

a marathon.

:: 22:27

Everything in this life right now is about

:: 22:29

how comfortable can you be and how fast

:: 22:31

can you get it.

:: 22:34

There's no value found in that in your

:: 22:36

relationship because that will not lead to

:: 22:38

true transformation and for you to become

:: 22:42

someone that you are not right now.

:: 22:46

So understand that both action and

:: 22:49

inaction from here on, let me say this.

:: 22:57

Both the paths require suffering.

:: 23:02

If you take action,

:: 23:05

there will be suffering.

:: 23:07

If you take no action,

:: 23:09

there will be suffering.

:: 23:12

What does that mean?

:: 23:15

Let's say you get that journal and let's

:: 23:18

say you go listen to these ten episodes

:: 23:22

and you realize that there are some

:: 23:23

changes that you're going to have to make.

:: 23:25

And these changes in the beginning will

:: 23:27

likely have no effect on your marriage.

:: 23:31

But you will begin to change.

:: 23:34

Change is uncomfortable.

:: 23:37

Change may require some suffering.

:: 23:41

It may require you getting uncomfortable.

:: 23:45

in order to redefine your path,

:: 23:47

like to reorient the direction you're

:: 23:49

heading in.

:: 23:50

And that's okay.

:: 23:52

Now,

:: 23:53

let's say you listen to this and you

:: 23:56

go, nah, it's not for me.

:: 23:58

So you take no action.

:: 24:01

That path requires suffering as well,

:: 24:04

because eventually your relationship is

:: 24:08

going to become

:: 24:12

Eventually,

:: 24:12

your relationship is probably going to

:: 24:14

lead to a place where it's permanently

:: 24:17

separated while you're living under the

:: 24:18

same roof, or maybe it ends.

:: 24:21

And there's a lot of suffering in that

:: 24:23

too.

:: 24:24

So today,

:: 24:24

you choose the suffering you wish to

:: 24:27

endure.

:: 24:29

Do you want to choose the suffering that

:: 24:30

leads closer to the man you promised you

:: 24:33

would be and reconciling your

:: 24:35

relationship?

:: 24:37

Or...

:: 24:38

Do you want to choose suffering that leads

:: 24:40

to regret because you know you could have

:: 24:42

done more?

:: 24:44

Now, you might say this.

:: 24:45

You might say, hey, QDAL,

:: 24:46

we're really not that bad, okay?

:: 24:48

Why are you so intense?

:: 24:50

We're not that bad.

:: 24:52

Okay,

:: 24:53

so now you'll have an hors d'oeuvre of

:: 24:57

suffering instead of a four-course meal.

:: 25:02

But I just want to encourage you to

:: 25:05

prepare yourself for a marathon.

:: 25:09

Because I can assure you,

:: 25:12

you've been comfortable for too long.

:: 25:14

And that is why you are where you

:: 25:16

are.

:: 25:17

It's something that I call being

:: 25:19

comfortably miserable.

:: 25:20

Because you acclimate to the

:: 25:22

disappointments of life.

:: 25:24

It is a real thing.

:: 25:27

So if you're in that place right now,

:: 25:28

you feel stuck.

:: 25:29

You feel disappointed.

:: 25:31

And you're wondering, how did I get here?

:: 25:35

Or how did we get here?

:: 25:38

I want you to hear this.

:: 25:41

Brother, it starts with you.

:: 25:45

I want you to decide today that you

:: 25:49

will live up to that man you vowed

:: 25:52

you would be.

:: 25:55

I want you, I'm asking you,

:: 25:58

I'm calling you right now to live on

:: 26:05

purpose for a purpose.

:: 26:11

I say that from the heart.

:: 26:13

And I also say that because I used

:: 26:16

to be you.

:: 26:18

And I know the value.

:: 26:20

I know the benefit.

:: 26:21

I know the payoff.

:: 26:22

I know where the suffering leads.

:: 26:27

God bless you guys.

:: 26:29

Hey, for more,

:: 26:30

go check out QuincyMoran.com.

:: 26:33

We're going to have notes there.

:: 26:34

I'm going to give you the full notes

:: 26:35

in the episode.

:: 26:37

I'm going to plug down in there episode

:: 26:39

one of where do I start just to

:: 26:41

make it easy for you.

:: 26:43

Make sure you get that connected.

:: 26:45

Let me know what you think about this

:: 26:48

program.

:: 26:49

Can you relate?

:: 26:51

Can you relate to what I'm talking about?

:: 26:56

If you can,

:: 26:57

I'm here to tell you you're not here

:: 27:01

by accident.

:: 27:06

So let me know.

:: 27:07

What can I do for you?

:: 27:10

The email is quincyatmvsmpodcast.com.

:: 27:18

Utilize that.

:: 27:19

Reach out to me.

:: 27:21

Let me know what I can do to

:: 27:23

help you.

:: 27:25

I want to thank you for listening to

:: 27:26

this program.

:: 27:27

If this program connected with you,

:: 27:30

I'm asking you to give us a review.

:: 27:35

I'm asking you to rate the show.

:: 27:39

What if also,

:: 27:41

because this program connected to you,

:: 27:45

you shared it with five really good

:: 27:47

friends that you believe could benefit,

:: 27:51

and then five people that you don't like

:: 27:53

very much.

:: 27:56

I'm just kidding.

:: 27:57

Or am I?

:: 27:58

I mean, share it.

:: 28:00

That's what helps us broaden this platform

:: 28:02

in preparation for what is preparing to

:: 28:05

come out.

:: 28:07

And what is that project called?

:: 28:08

It's called Becoming Family Famous.

:: 28:11

It's going to be about leadership in your

:: 28:13

home.

:: 28:14

I cover a lot of that here,

:: 28:17

but I'm going to teach you how to

:: 28:19

become famous where it matters the most.

:: 28:22

We're going to share that together.

:: 28:25

I want to thank you so much for

:: 28:26

listening.

:: 28:27

God bless you.

:: 28:28

Galatians six, nine through ten.

:: 28:31

If you don't know what it is,

:: 28:33

go look it up and let's go live

:: 28:35

it together.

:: 28:37

That's it for this episode of Man Vs.

:: 28:39

Marriage.

:: 28:41

I'm Quincy Moran, a.k.a.

:: 28:44

The Q-Dog, a.k.a., a.k.a.

:: 28:46

in some circles, the Q-Diggity Dog.

:: 28:50

Thank you so much.

:: 28:51

See you on the next one.

:: 28:53

I'm out.